Change of course…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve worked hard in my life.  I’ve overcome sickness. I have worked hard at every job I’ve ever had. I have spent countless hours and many sleepless nights studying to be a teacher and all I see is a wall. I don’t see opportunity and I don’t see happiness. I have lost all motivation to be a teacher. The politics involved are a strenuous, infinite cesspool of hate and backstabbing to keep a mediocre job. Not that teachers don’t work hard. Not that being a teacher isn’t rewarding in its own sense. Not that teachers should be looked down upon as if they are an untouchable in a disgusting social caste system. Teachers do great things, and they have the chance to inspire lives that they may not have had the opportunity to touch otherwise. However, I do have a brain and I do have thoughts…

Why should I be working so hard in my youth to feel as if I am going nowhere in my life? Why should I work so hard to feel the sting of unemployment when my students do not score high enough on their state mandated assessments? Why should I work so hard to feel the painful blow of students who just do not care about the countless hours of thought I put into each lesson plan? Into each activity? Into each assignment? The value of education is diminishing just as quickly as the American dollar.  Dropout rates continue to soar as students are continually forced into taking paper and pencil tests that they have no chance to perform well on and in which case they will never have the chance to redeem themselves for their mistakes. People learn through mistakes and students are no different. Yet students are held to impossibly high standards in a failing economy where resources are limited. Consciously, I feel I cannot support the unfair playing field and disadvantages students are thrown into at such a young age. It breaks my heart to know that such expectations placed on students are so infinitely high that first graders have anxiety that puts them at the edge of sanity.

I have the love and support of my family to go on and do bigger and better things with my life.  I want the hard work and countless hours of studying to pay off for me in the end. Not just financially but also for my mind and my soul.  I want to do something I am truly interested in.  Instead, I sit on my couch in the silence of my apartment staring at a binder full of more work and reading.  I stare at the binder in anticipation of the unhappiness I might feel when I start student teaching. The binder is a reminder of the hard work I’ve put in, not because I love what I do, but more as a sickening sense of duty.  My free time is spent reading medical terminology and looking at pictures of the human body instead of thinking about teaching. I feel as if being a teacher will be a pit of never-ending work with little to no payoff in my life. I am seriously considering continuing my education to be a doctor instead. It has been something I’ve worked towards since high school and, in a blind moment of what I thought was love, changed my direction in college to a teacher.  All of this because someone told me they wanted me to be around. I want to know that I can relocate in my life and not have to worry about finding a job anywhere in the country.  I want to know that if I meet someone who I fall in love with, and he has opportunities elsewhere that I can go with him and not think twice. I want to be able to leave and end up wherever without any sense of worry. I’d rather do what I’ve always wanted to do then live the rest of my life wondering, “What if?”

Someone once told me that people become teachers because they feel like they can’t be anything else. Someone once told me that people are teachers because they aren’t smart enough to be the doctors, lawyers, and scientists of the future. I believe that teachers are smart. I believe that people do not go into teaching because they think they aren’t smart enough for anything else. However, in the last two years of school I have come to know numerous people that are in the teaching field simply because it was something easy to get through in college. They believe that being a teacher is easy work and I don’t want to be part of that. I don’t want to constantly have to defend my profession against ignorant people that know nothing of teaching. I don’t want to fight with parents constantly because I am not simply giving their students A’s when the student in question is not putting in the effort. I feel as if my heart lies elsewhere and my intelligence can be put to better use.

I want to be a doctor…even if it takes me forever to get there.

Heather

In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. ~Cicero

3 Miles…

It’s amazing how far three miles can take you on foot.  Running is an amazing way to clear your head and really get the big picture that life paints for everyone.  It makes me want to take risks and opportunities that I might not have taken otherwise.  Running on a cold winter’s day provides amazing solitude. I love hearing how the sound of my feet hitting the terrain competes with the sound of my beating heart. I love knowing that even though it feels like I can’t take another step I can always continue to propel myself forward. When I run, it feels like my lungs and heart catch fire.  There is nothing more exhilarating than knowing that my body can take that  next step even when every muscle in my legs tense up and want to give. Running through the forest is like a metaphor for my life as I make leaps and bounds over obstacles.  Even though it would feel good to stop and rest, I know that my body can keep going.  I know that I can make new paths when old ones seem blocked.  Instead of turning around I continue forward.

I have a passion for running because I love listening to the crunch of leaves and sticks beneath my feet.  I love the way the air rushes past me as I strive to move forward one more step.  When I run it’s like nothing can defeat me.  I feel like I run towards a better me, a healthier me, someone who is going to takes chances and risks in life. It’s an invigorating feeling to have such a passion for life instilled within me again. Life doesn’t stop for anyone and I am going to get on a path and run it as hard as I can.

I want to watch life transform around me like the forest will when the weather warms up again. When it’s all said and done, I love feeling like my body is on fire because I know that I am alive.  I love the determination I have to keep going; it’s a reflection of the motivation and ambition I have in my own life. Just as I work hard to finish that last mile, I work hard to get where I am right now.  I love knowing that my body is like a beautiful machine whose parts all work together seamlessly.  I love feeling the rise and fall of my chest while the rest of the muscles in my body tense up. There is never a time when I feel like my body is working against me and I should always remember that life is not working against me either.  Positive thoughts.

Heather

Winter Solitude

As I watched the winter sun set in the distance, I realized that my love for life is slowly starting to come back to me.  The silence that comes with winter is louder than the crashing of waves against rocks on the shore.  A winter’s silence fills one’s body as the cold air bites at the skin.  It’s a silence so pure that it clears one’s mind of negative thoughts.  A relief washed over me as I was filled with a moment of clarity. I am letting go of the painfully tight hold I had on the reigns of my life.  I am going to let life take me where I am supposed to go.  I know that I have finally found peace within myself as I was able to watch the fading light of a cold winter’s day and smile to myself.  I smile at all the pain I let go of and the new adventures life will bring me.

Life is an amazing gift that everyone is privileged to have and if you stop trying to control it, you will end up where you are supposed to be.  People have made great feats and discoveries in the coldest of winters.  In the cold winds biting at the skin, the trees stripped of their leaves, the shortest of cold winter days, and the crystalline ice that cracks beneath our feat, there is peace. There is life waiting to renew in the warmth at the first signs of spring.  Some say that spring stands for rebirth but winter brings about a sense of renewal.  Winter purifies the air, the mind, the soul…

Heather

Antisthenes says that in a certain faraway land the cold is so intense that words freeze as soon as they are uttered, and after some time then thaw and become audible, so that words spoken in winter go unheard until the next summer. ~Plutarch, Moralia

Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Over the last few months I feel like I have lost my inspiration to write. I don’t feel as if I have writer’s block, but something far more serious. I miss the love and vigor I had for life. A series of bad relationships and hardships have knocked me down.  I do the same things everyday. Go to school, do homework, work for my dad, see the same things, do the same things, and eat the same things. It is literally insanity.

So, I am making a promise to myself to do things differently no matter how difficult it may be to change. How will I ever get different results when I do not make the effort to change what keeps me stuck? This blog has to be the first step…nothing else feels right.  Writing has always been my life.

I miss the raging storms of late spring and early summer. I miss the thunder that shakes the apartment and the lightning that cracks in the tension of the atmosphere. I miss laying in the heat of the summer and feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin.  I feel like I missed a whole part of life when I missed out on summer this year. I didn’t live life as fully as I should have but now I must find my happiness in the blinding white snow that glitters in the evening light. I must find my happiness underneath the bundle of winter coats, hats, scarves, and gloves.  At three the sun starts to move across the sky as it prepares to disappear in the horizon.  Then, every minute, the light starts to look more and more like amber. Although clear skies means bitter cold, there is nothing better than looking up at a clear sky and finding the stars like crystal embellishments.  There is nothing better than realizing the vastness of our galaxy and how small it is in a universe so infinite. 

Nothing is more peaceful than the winter months here. Everything is so silent and the crunching of the snow underneath one’s footsteps can take you back to being a kid playing around in the snow.  Being a kid was always simpler, but I wouldn’t give up this part of my life for anything. I will find my happiness and the pieces of myself I lost.  I may have lost them over the summer, and they may be buried in snow, but I will find them.

Heather

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape – the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show. ~Andrew Wyeth

Heather

He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not…

He loves me…
With all the love in his heart.
I can tell by the way he holds me,
Like he never wants to let me go.
He holds me like I am going to break,
Protecting me from everything…

He loves me not…
He lashed out at me.
Yelling and screaming.
You hurt me, my love.
When I fell and looked for him to help me up,
He turned his back on me,
And he was there no more…

He loves me…
He stares at me with penetrating eyes.
The ones that look deep into my soul.
They know all and see all.
Scanning my past for hidden secrets,
Looking into the present,
And creating a future for me.

He loves me not…
He said it was all a lie,
And he never meant a thing he said.
The tears filled my eyes,
My vision now blurry and indistinct.
Finding myself blind without him,
I stumbled through the dark.
He had taken the light away from my life.

I pick the last petal off this rose I hold so close.
This rose which holds a deep blood red color,
For love runs through our veins,
Spreading throughout our bodies, minds, and souls.
Love brings new meaning to our lives,
And yet another reason to live.
Love can carry us to new places,
Or lift us to new heights,
While opening our eyes to the world of the unknown.
Together we are life and death.
I live for you,
But die without you.
We are the past, the present, and the future.
So as I pull of this last petal
I think in my head that he loves me,
And at that same moment strong arms embrace me from behind.
Then the words I longed to hear,
I love you.

Life is STILL Beautiful…

Well…my first post seemed to be incredibly popular.

Despite all that I have gone through, I still find life incredibly invigorating and beautiful.

About 3 1/2 months ago I went through a rough break-up with a man that I was engaged to and was with for three years.  Although, I didn’t really realize it at the time, I never let myself fail at seeing the good things in life.  Sometimes people hole themselves up in some dark corner of their life and continue to dwell on the pain of the break-up.  I used that to fuel a fire within me.

There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life.  Things that I wasn’t really able to being tied down with the person I was with.

The last three months were not easy.  Moving, a break-up, other personal matters, getting sick, and school made life really hard to handle at times.  I fought through all of that. I did it so I can be where I am at this moment.

I am sitting in the living room to my new apartment across from the window typing away at my blog with a slight breeze coming in through the front window.  The smells of someone grilling out is a faint but distinct aroma that fills the apartment with nostalgic summer memories.  Memories that live on powerfully when the setting is right.

I have found no better cure for stress and pain then sitting here in silence with a cold glass of lemonade or tea and thinking about good times.  Times that I wish I could relive.  I like to feel the condensation of the glass on my fingertips and listen to the ice faintly click against the glass.  To close my eyes and breathe deep the fresh air that comes through my living room windows in the evening sparks a new lust for adventure.  I want to get out and see the world and not sit idly as time passes me by.

Even though life is hard and unfair, it wouldn’t seem so bad if everyone tried to slow down once in awhile.  I know it is easier said than done.  I’ve been to that point where I would have read this blog and scrutinized it for it’s laid back tone.  However, I feel as if the quality and value of my life has increased significantly due to just a few hours of sitting back and really spending time to myself.

I love using all of my senses to create and trigger vivid memories of better times.  Nostalgia is really an amazing thing as it almost creates an old world feel to my life.  I think it is important to appreciate the beautiful things in life because you never know how long they are going to last.  I would rather have a memory of good times with friends on the back deck having a couple of drinks late into the night rather than a huge drunken party that no one really remembers the next day, or week, or possibly ever. I guess I just feel like I wasted my life for 3 years with someone who didn’t share the same love of life.  This person didn’t have the same passion for living or the appreciation for the small things.  Three years of not doing what I loved, and now I really just want to take it all in.

My happiness can’t be described by words.  This new outlook and way of life works for me, and I wish that other people would at least try something that would help them.  I just notice that people seem to be so hateful anymore.  Hell, sometimes you can’t even get someone to hold the door open for you an extra two seconds while you make it to the door.  Instead, you are met with an incredibly personal confrontation with the door.  Maybe, if everyone spent a half hour unwinding and trying to calm down…maybe things wouldn’t always seem so bleak.

Love Always,

Heather

The real problem of leisure time is how to keep others from using yours. ~Arthur Lacey

“Running Up That Hill”

I always loved running… it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power.  You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs.  ~Jesse Owens

There is nothing like listening to your feet hitting the ground as you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Trying to hear the footsteps over the heartbeat.  At times, it’s nearly impossible.  Running makes you feel things that you wouldn’t feel under normal circumstances. . . if you felt them, it would most likely signify that you are sick.  But when you run, your heart catches fire and your lungs sting, but you push yourself further.  Even if you get a stitch in your side, you can keep going. . . just to hear those footsteps hitting the ground.

It’s empowering to run through the forest on such an uneven terrain.  Now, you have to throw balance and agility into the mix.  Sometimes you have to propel yourself up and over tree roots and find the strength to climb the steepest of inclines.  I feel like the strength it takes to run through the forest is a reflection of the strength I have to move through life.  Especially this semester.  It took a couple weeks of running for me to clear my head and see the picture that I was missing.  Now it’s like I don’t want to miss a day because I am afraid of losing that clarity that I have suddenly gained.

Still, there is nothing like running and feeling like your heart is on fire.  There is nothing like running and taking one more step when you think it is nearly impossible.  The body is a beautiful machine, meant to withstand a lot of pain and turmoil.  Your body will go on, it will take that next step.  That’s what’s beautiful.  To realize the strength of even the heart as a working muscle.

So I will keep running up that hill.  Day after day.  Just for a sense of  clarity.  Just to push my body when it feels like it can no longer move forward another step.

Identity

Nameless
Faceless
How to distinguish,
Between two bodies?

Emotionless
Lifeless
How to distinguish,
Between two souls?

Thoughtless
Speechless
How to distinguish,
Between two minds?

To distinguish,
Among seas of metal.
Impossible.

Robotic.
Motionless.
Controlled.
Cold.

Humankind

Death of a Relationship

Tell me that I need to go to the gym.  Tell me I need to do more around the apartment.  Make me change my thoughts.  Make me change my face.  Make me change my body.  Make me change my hobbies.  Make me change my hair.  Make me change my spending habits.  Making me change my feelings.  Make me change my friends.  Make me change my interests.  Make me change my career.  Make me change everything…

Good luck.

I will not change for you.  You will never be worth another moment in my life.  Blinded by your deceit, your love was an illusion.  A withering rose among millions…who could spot that?  I am not good enough…for you.  For someone, I will be his everything.  Not a robot molded into a desirable girlfriend.  You tried painting on a canvas already filled, and your failure led to our demise.  Pictures ripped.  Memories erased.  Plans destroyed.  Love terminated.  Laughter silenced. Eyes closed.  Tears dried.  Back turned.

I gave, you took.  I gave more, you took more.  I gave everything, you took everything.

Goodbye.

Sempiternal

There is nothing like standing conticent on a cold winter’s night.  The clouds contrasting a smokey white against a navy blue.  Icy air biting and stinging exposed skin.  Then a certain numbness to the cold as you listen to the silence. Realizing how small you are in comparison to the world…or the universe.  Shifting your body weight is like a crack of thunder in the middle of a hot summer night. 

As human beings we walk the Earth confident of what we have conquered.  Constantly claiming to have “climbed to the top of the food chain.”  Weapons and foul language.  Threats and abuse.  Everything goes when we wage war on our fellow man. 

However, you never see it coming until it’s too late.  The hurricane that washed your house away.  The tsunami that came down like a wall of cement on your vacation.  The tornado that lifted your farm and threw it 3 miles down the road in more pieces than it took to build it.  The earthquake that swallowed your car. Unfortunately, even our own life is involved in such forces of nature. 

So, what are we really so confident about conquering? Sure we seem superior to many of the living things on this Earth, but our carelessness will only continue to grow and the forces of Nature will grow stronger.  People go about with smug looks on their faces yet they don’t even stop to think about the many lives claimed by natural “disasters.” What do you say about that?  How are you so much mightier than what you cannot truly predict? 

Of course, I know we have our technology.  Sure it shows us what is going on…to an extent.  Things change faster than any computer can predict.  A raging storm prediction quickly dissipates as it passes over a certain city.  A tropical storm can change course and turn deadly within seconds.

Shouldn’t nature be the one gloating?  As far as I’m concerned, that still has a tight hold on us.

Too bad more people don’t respect nature for it’s beauty.

“Soon silence will have passed into legend.  Man has turned his back on silence.  Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation… tooting, howling, screeching, booming, crashing, whistling, grinding, and trilling bolster his ego.  His anxiety subsides.  His inhuman void spreads monstrously like a gray vegetation.”  ~Jean Arp

 

"Silence is a source of great strength." ~Lao Tzu