Life is STILL Beautiful…

Well…my first post seemed to be incredibly popular.

Despite all that I have gone through, I still find life incredibly invigorating and beautiful.

About 3 1/2 months ago I went through a rough break-up with a man that I was engaged to and was with for three years.  Although, I didn’t really realize it at the time, I never let myself fail at seeing the good things in life.  Sometimes people hole themselves up in some dark corner of their life and continue to dwell on the pain of the break-up.  I used that to fuel a fire within me.

There have been so many things that I have wanted to do in life.  Things that I wasn’t really able to being tied down with the person I was with.

The last three months were not easy.  Moving, a break-up, other personal matters, getting sick, and school made life really hard to handle at times.  I fought through all of that. I did it so I can be where I am at this moment.

I am sitting in the living room to my new apartment across from the window typing away at my blog with a slight breeze coming in through the front window.  The smells of someone grilling out is a faint but distinct aroma that fills the apartment with nostalgic summer memories.  Memories that live on powerfully when the setting is right.

I have found no better cure for stress and pain then sitting here in silence with a cold glass of lemonade or tea and thinking about good times.  Times that I wish I could relive.  I like to feel the condensation of the glass on my fingertips and listen to the ice faintly click against the glass.  To close my eyes and breathe deep the fresh air that comes through my living room windows in the evening sparks a new lust for adventure.  I want to get out and see the world and not sit idly as time passes me by.

Even though life is hard and unfair, it wouldn’t seem so bad if everyone tried to slow down once in awhile.  I know it is easier said than done.  I’ve been to that point where I would have read this blog and scrutinized it for it’s laid back tone.  However, I feel as if the quality and value of my life has increased significantly due to just a few hours of sitting back and really spending time to myself.

I love using all of my senses to create and trigger vivid memories of better times.  Nostalgia is really an amazing thing as it almost creates an old world feel to my life.  I think it is important to appreciate the beautiful things in life because you never know how long they are going to last.  I would rather have a memory of good times with friends on the back deck having a couple of drinks late into the night rather than a huge drunken party that no one really remembers the next day, or week, or possibly ever. I guess I just feel like I wasted my life for 3 years with someone who didn’t share the same love of life.  This person didn’t have the same passion for living or the appreciation for the small things.  Three years of not doing what I loved, and now I really just want to take it all in.

My happiness can’t be described by words.  This new outlook and way of life works for me, and I wish that other people would at least try something that would help them.  I just notice that people seem to be so hateful anymore.  Hell, sometimes you can’t even get someone to hold the door open for you an extra two seconds while you make it to the door.  Instead, you are met with an incredibly personal confrontation with the door.  Maybe, if everyone spent a half hour unwinding and trying to calm down…maybe things wouldn’t always seem so bleak.

Love Always,

Heather

The real problem of leisure time is how to keep others from using yours. ~Arthur Lacey

“Running Up That Hill”

I always loved running… it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power.  You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs.  ~Jesse Owens

There is nothing like listening to your feet hitting the ground as you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Trying to hear the footsteps over the heartbeat.  At times, it’s nearly impossible.  Running makes you feel things that you wouldn’t feel under normal circumstances. . . if you felt them, it would most likely signify that you are sick.  But when you run, your heart catches fire and your lungs sting, but you push yourself further.  Even if you get a stitch in your side, you can keep going. . . just to hear those footsteps hitting the ground.

It’s empowering to run through the forest on such an uneven terrain.  Now, you have to throw balance and agility into the mix.  Sometimes you have to propel yourself up and over tree roots and find the strength to climb the steepest of inclines.  I feel like the strength it takes to run through the forest is a reflection of the strength I have to move through life.  Especially this semester.  It took a couple weeks of running for me to clear my head and see the picture that I was missing.  Now it’s like I don’t want to miss a day because I am afraid of losing that clarity that I have suddenly gained.

Still, there is nothing like running and feeling like your heart is on fire.  There is nothing like running and taking one more step when you think it is nearly impossible.  The body is a beautiful machine, meant to withstand a lot of pain and turmoil.  Your body will go on, it will take that next step.  That’s what’s beautiful.  To realize the strength of even the heart as a working muscle.

So I will keep running up that hill.  Day after day.  Just for a sense of  clarity.  Just to push my body when it feels like it can no longer move forward another step.

Identity

Nameless
Faceless
How to distinguish,
Between two bodies?

Emotionless
Lifeless
How to distinguish,
Between two souls?

Thoughtless
Speechless
How to distinguish,
Between two minds?

To distinguish,
Among seas of metal.
Impossible.

Robotic.
Motionless.
Controlled.
Cold.

Humankind

Death of a Relationship

Tell me that I need to go to the gym.  Tell me I need to do more around the apartment.  Make me change my thoughts.  Make me change my face.  Make me change my body.  Make me change my hobbies.  Make me change my hair.  Make me change my spending habits.  Making me change my feelings.  Make me change my friends.  Make me change my interests.  Make me change my career.  Make me change everything…

Good luck.

I will not change for you.  You will never be worth another moment in my life.  Blinded by your deceit, your love was an illusion.  A withering rose among millions…who could spot that?  I am not good enough…for you.  For someone, I will be his everything.  Not a robot molded into a desirable girlfriend.  You tried painting on a canvas already filled, and your failure led to our demise.  Pictures ripped.  Memories erased.  Plans destroyed.  Love terminated.  Laughter silenced. Eyes closed.  Tears dried.  Back turned.

I gave, you took.  I gave more, you took more.  I gave everything, you took everything.

Goodbye.

Sempiternal

There is nothing like standing conticent on a cold winter’s night.  The clouds contrasting a smokey white against a navy blue.  Icy air biting and stinging exposed skin.  Then a certain numbness to the cold as you listen to the silence. Realizing how small you are in comparison to the world…or the universe.  Shifting your body weight is like a crack of thunder in the middle of a hot summer night. 

As human beings we walk the Earth confident of what we have conquered.  Constantly claiming to have “climbed to the top of the food chain.”  Weapons and foul language.  Threats and abuse.  Everything goes when we wage war on our fellow man. 

However, you never see it coming until it’s too late.  The hurricane that washed your house away.  The tsunami that came down like a wall of cement on your vacation.  The tornado that lifted your farm and threw it 3 miles down the road in more pieces than it took to build it.  The earthquake that swallowed your car. Unfortunately, even our own life is involved in such forces of nature. 

So, what are we really so confident about conquering? Sure we seem superior to many of the living things on this Earth, but our carelessness will only continue to grow and the forces of Nature will grow stronger.  People go about with smug looks on their faces yet they don’t even stop to think about the many lives claimed by natural “disasters.” What do you say about that?  How are you so much mightier than what you cannot truly predict? 

Of course, I know we have our technology.  Sure it shows us what is going on…to an extent.  Things change faster than any computer can predict.  A raging storm prediction quickly dissipates as it passes over a certain city.  A tropical storm can change course and turn deadly within seconds.

Shouldn’t nature be the one gloating?  As far as I’m concerned, that still has a tight hold on us.

Too bad more people don’t respect nature for it’s beauty.

“Soon silence will have passed into legend.  Man has turned his back on silence.  Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation… tooting, howling, screeching, booming, crashing, whistling, grinding, and trilling bolster his ego.  His anxiety subsides.  His inhuman void spreads monstrously like a gray vegetation.”  ~Jean Arp

 

"Silence is a source of great strength." ~Lao Tzu

An Insomniac’s Dream…

Plagued by the insanity of many sleepless nights,
I wander through darkness,
A ghost in every right.
My eyes are black and sunken,
Like a hollowed corpse.
My skin is white as the light that burns me.
My eyes sting with a burning desire,
To lay my body to rest,
And dream the sweet dreams of sleeping children.
How I long to relax my tired muscles,
And let my soul drift to faraway lands,
That no man could ever take you.
Lost hopes fill my head with longing,
Of a time long, long ago.
A time when life was vivid within me,
And youth exploded from my pores.
Now my sense of time has faded.
Slowly the seconds tick by,
Echoing loudly within my ear,
Like the slow rythmic beating of drums.
A cold sweat breaks through my skin,
As I toss and turn with uneasiness.
A deep pain fills my joints,
And seemingly paralyzes me.
And finally,
In defeat,
I surrender to an Insomniac’s dream.

I was thinking last night about when I thought I had insomnia.  I cameto the conclusion that I’ve had it since I was a little kid.  I stared at the ceiling all last night and realized I’ve never been able to sleep.

Have I never been fully rested and at peace?

I remember my mom telling me to lay down, close my eyes, and stop thinking.  Isn’t that how most people react to insomnia? At least those who have never experienced it’s painful consequences.

As painful as it can be, physically, psychologically, or emotionally, I have learned to embrace it to the best of my ability.  It does still get me down sometimes.  However, I find myself lucky that I am not sleeping away the majority of my beautiful life.

I cannot just close my eyes and stop thinking when I lay down.  Do not make the mistake of thinking it is that simple for someone.

I have come to find beauty in the world falling asleep while I watch, as if my life has stood still.  I have come to find beauty in the world as it reawakes from its deep slumber.  To see the colors of dusk and dawn fuse together in the sky, is of indescribable beauty. 

But still…I simply cannot just close my eyes and stop thinking..

 

Ice

Cracking against the weight of a foot,

A reminder pertaining to its fragile state,

Hissing against the pressure of an object that doesn’t belong.

Nothing but crystalline deception,

Shrouded in beauty,

Marked by disaster.

A silky, uneven surface buckles and sways,

Quiet and still,

Yet frozen in place.

An abomination.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. ~E.F. Schumacher (Thanks, Arly!)

Passage

1 a : a way of exit or entrance : a road, path, channel, or course by which something passes b : a corridor or lobby giving access to the different rooms or parts of a building or apartment
2 a : the action or process of passing from one place, condition, or stage to another b : death 1a c : a continuous movement or flow
3 a : a usually brief portion of a written work or speech that is relevant to a point under discussion or noteworthy for content or style b : a phrase or short section of a musical composition c : a detail of a work of art (as a painting)

Definition curteousy of www.m-w.com

That’s a word that seems to be not only in my vocabulary as of lately, but just as a daily part of my life.

I feel like I pass from one stage of my life and into the next almost seamlessly. I feel like I flow in and out of different realities without so much as an imperfection.

I think I need to start shutting doors permanently. There are certain times in my life that are never going to come back. There are things that I just can’t do anymore because I am an “adult.” Adults have responsibilities. My friends are all adults and it’s a nostalgic feeling. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching short video clips of memories. Videos that are set in the cliche sepia tone and have the underwater effect on voices. Almost as if it’s a dream of another reality. A passage into a life that once was…A passage into a life that had a lot of choices.

If someone were to take a short passage from my life, they would see that so far it’s been pretty fulfilled. I feel like I’ve experienced a wide spectrum of feelings and emotions. There are certain pieces of my life missing but it’s what I have already lost…and cannot gain back.

I’ve hit rock bottom tonight and now the only place I can go is up. The only thing that I can do is climb out of this indefinite pit of self-worth, and right now I feel pretty worthless. I need to stay busy and active. I need to fill my life with purpose…so maybe…I will devote my blog to this purpose. Maybe, just maybe, this will turn into a memoir of a changing me.

Maybe my readers will find hope and inspiration within my writings. Maybe my readers will see me grow spiritually and individually.

Sometimes it does take a long fall, and a couple of broken bones, to heal. How could someone truly heal if they never truly felt any kind of pain. So now I am working on my own faith and my own soul. I want to be a better person and be the person I know that I am inside. I just need to battle with myself for awhile to let that person rise above this unrecognizable mess that I have become.

I would love to aspire to write daily, but I will try for less ambitious goals and try for weekly. Once school starts up again, weekly will be a miracle.\

Heather

Through Puddles…

The soft patter of steady rain lulls me into a reality that is perfect.  As I allow my mind to drift in and out of what we perceive as reality, waves of memories wash over me.  The dark silhouettes of trees glisten as the street lamp shines off tiny droplets of rain.  A soft, chilly breeze brings in the faint,crisp smell of rain.  A smell that slowly transforms into the cologne that Justin wears as I slowly allow my memories to drift off to our first dates…I can remember those exact conversations and the distinct feeling I got when our fingers interlocked…and how that feeling came back when I kissed him for that first time.

I see my dreams and my reality in black and white.  Not because I despise color, anyone who knows my sense of style will tell you I love my colors…but in all actuality black and white is so classic.  It brings a soft, aged touch to anything.

Right now I feel tiny electric pulses all throughout my body.  I feel them as Justin lays next to me with his slow rhythmic breathing.  I feel these pulses when I think about the time I slipped out of my parents house to go be with Justin and lay in his arms, and it was a night like tonight.  I remember worrying about the sound of my feet splashing through the puddles waking up my parents.  I remember the slow distant rumbles of thunder with lightning that lit our love on fire.

My love for Justin and his love for me is all that I have ever wanted.  Although we go through our hard times, we are meant for each other.  He is just my soul mate.

It is in the moments past the midnight hour in which I think the most, especially on these cool, rainy nights.  I feel as if the rain is washing away all the muck on my mind.  The raindrops that hang off my eyelashes are just windows into my future.

The ripples in the puddles are hypnotizing.  Watching the silver ripples flow outward across puddles reflecting the darkness that engulfs them.  I close my eyes and realize that one day…one day…I will be able to sit in a sun room and write.  I will sit in a room of glass so that when it rains…I can be in the middle of a storm…and still write without ruining my computer.  One day I will be a writer and one day I will be…who I am meant to be.

Walking through puddles is my favorite metaphor for life. ~Jessi Lane Adams

Remembering Those Days…

Today was one of those days…one of those days that looks so beautiful while you are you staring out your window.  The cotton candy blue sky with puffs of white clouds.  The warm sunshine pouring in through the windows.  It makes me want to run outside and just feel like I am living.  However, such a day is incredibly deceiving.  It looks like the weather outside would be rather fair…but when you step foot outside that door, you know that your body will be seized by shivers and goosebumps because in reality it’s only about 25 degrees.  It’s nice to dream though…

It’s the kind of day that reminds me of the good times.  The good times I might have had yesterday, three months ago, last summer, or two years ago.  It’s the kind of day where my mind floats off toward the sky and I remember all those good things that make me believe my life is always worth living and that it’s not complete crap.

I think about those moments I had with my best friend and our adventures we had before she moved away  I think about the first time I went to the movies with Justin, and the second time we hung out.  I think about the times I snuck out to hang out with a friend.  The time Kirsten and I spent the night with Natasha and we went to  Bloods Point Dr. The moments Justin looks in my eyes and tells me he loves me.  The moments that I smiled with my friends and laughed without ever thinking about the future at that moment.

I think about how I want to be having the time of my life, not thinking about my next assignment due and how I have to work tonight.  I think about how free I feel on such beautiful days.

Right now, I could come up with a list of a hundred things I need to do with my life, and right now, that list doesn’t seem so long.  Sometimes I feel like the small steps I am making in my life aren’t getting me anywhere, but today, I’ve come a long way.

I’m 2 months from my A.A. degree.
I’ve got everything done when it comes to transferring to Rockford college.
I’m going to be done with my basic skills test next weekend.
I’ve got one bill paid off.
I’m getting my school work caught up.
I’ve made two documented steps towards being truly happy with myself, my life, and the people in my life.
I’m engaged to the man of my life, my soul mate, the one guy I couldn’t live without.
I can breathe deep and smile more about the craziness in my life.
I’ve said good-bye to old friends and welcomed in new friends

Today, I feel free.  I feel like I’ve moved somewhere with my life…and hopefully soon, I will see another beautiful day like this.  Hopefully on that day, I will be sitting by the window writing about the steps I’ve taken in my life since then.

Love Always,

Heather